I’m not allowed to be lonely; I’m surrounded

I’m not allowed to feel need; my stomach is full

I have too much, to want so little

I am not able to ask for specific love; heart and blessing abound

I am not able to yearn for the touch of a woman; I’m Christian

I have too much, to want so little

How could I feel loss; the grass withers and the flowers fade

How could I feel a gaping hole; real faith is divine presence

I have too much, to want so little

It’s wrong but I want love; physically, emotionally, communicatively

It’s wrong but I want God to meet my needs; Especially when I’m lonely

It’s wrong but I cannot feel God fully without the resources, people, hearts, minds, poetry, and desire God has placed

I have too much, to want so little.


Sacred Experience.

To this day I walk down the blood red center aisle of my church on communion Sunday, mentally preparing myself to experience deeply the sacrifice of Jesus’ life for my wretchedness. And every time, I drink the wine and eat the bread (slowly of course, to sell the spiritual experience I am pretending to have) and take five perfect right angle turns, finding myself back in the pew, unchanged. A little more guilty, quite theologically unstable, but experientially unchanged. I am a twenty-two year-old pursuing ministry with my life, who loves Jesus dearly and seeks the will of God however I can, but… I prefer theology talks at a bar over the sacrament of communion, I am more transformed by prayer time in the steam of my shower than the rebirth of baptism, and I trust people who describe their faith experiences by using phrases like: bullshit, asshole, what the fuck, and why the hell would this happen, in lieu of: trust Jesus, God’s plan, I am just so blessed or pray about it.

For me these alternative experiences with the divine allow me to see the raw, wild and explicit tendencies that the world has when relating to God. For others their desires are different, less extreme and more or less comfortable. This dualism is not meant to elevate one way of experiencing God over another, but it recognizes the sacredness of all God experience(s) not just those rites of passage we deify as equating to God.

What is sacred experience? Is everything? If so, should that scare us?

Creation. It’s bigger than I.
Miles above, clouds below, shaken by wind with no other purpose but discomfort… or so it seems.
Selfish turbulence.
Does that wind matter? Who does it matter to?
We seek sand, the tides, tropics.
We seek a mountain like Nebo, the view of Cannan.
Value. Promised and Exposed.
But what about the wind we can’t see?
That selfish and turbulent wind?
Do we see Glory in that?
A man is not a mountain he is a spec.
A man is not a force of influence, he is easily swayed.
A man does not hold beauty in his eyes, he sits… with no leg room, a cocktail and some fear- at the mercy of the wind that no one sees.
That selfish and turbulent wind.


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

In a time of independence, self-reliance and perfection, I reached out for God high above me, His character radiating, dousing any pride I had in my own light

The righteous rejoiced and were obedient to Him as I witnessed through service, bible studies, books and podcasts
I join the crowds in shouting, thanking God even though I couldn’t sense our heart in the pleas.
The words changed nothing around us, just our motives. Shaken, stirring.
My brokenness is noticed from nothing more than what I take for granted and though it is veiled and calloused it seems the most dark.
Affirmation by people, the affirmation of opportunity in my path is my realization of cleanliness. A pure heart seems possible though it is not attained.
Moment to moment, God’s voice is louder… saying “Will you go? I know you can but will you?”
“Tell them that my presence changes thinking, My presence changes structure. Let them see the essence of change in my relationship with you.”